Sunday, January 29, 2012
Bachelor #2: Grumpy
Bachelor #3: Happy
Bachelor #4: Dopey
Bachelor #5: Sneezy
Bachelor #6: Doc
Bachelor #7: Sleepy
Snow White: Bachelor #1, I love walks in the forest. What would you plan for us on our first date?
#1: Ohhhh... you know... heh heh heh.
SW: No, actually I don't know. What?
#1: Oh I don't know... maybe, um- well... I really don't know if I should say...
#2: Oh. My. GAWD! Ta-ta-ta-ta-DAY, junior!
SW: Anyway- Bachelor #3, same question.
#3: LOL! Forests are SO much fun! For serious! I skip through one everyday to work! I love them!!!
#6: Statistically speaking, forest travel is safer than vehicular transportation.
SW: Bachelor #7.
SW: Number 7? 7?
#2: Dude's asleep. Vern Troyer was on Conan last night.
SW: Ohhhh kayyy. Um, Bachelor #6- I love apples. What is your favorite fruit?
#6: I'm a PC guy.
#3: Haha! LMFAO!
SW: Bachelor #4- what is your favorite fruit?
#4: Ummm- broccoli?
SW: That's a vegetable.
SW: Nope- try again.
#4: Happy Meal?
#3: Not funny.
SW: Ok- moving on. I have a thing for huntsmen. Bachelor #2, pretend you're a hunter and I am your prey.
#2: [Bleep] this game! I ain't your little puppet, woman!
SW: Woah! Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! Speaking of beds, #1, what would you do if I was in your bed?
#1: I don't knoooooooooow. YOU tell ME (heeheehee).
SW: #7? What about you? Would we be getting a lot of sleep in that bed?
#7: [rubs eyes] Heck yeah! Sounds AWESOME!
SW: Ok- my next question is for #3-
SW: What did you just call me?!?
#3: Oh- um...
SW: Ugg. Okay- Bachelor #5, I like to take my time in front of the mirror before going out to the bars. Does this bother you?
#2: I hate the bars. Too loud.
SW: Bachelor #6, I have black hair and skin as pure as snow. What celebrity would you consider fairest of them all?
#6: Hmmm- I would have to say The Old Woman Who Lives In a Shoe. She's kinda my age bracket.
SW: Bachelor #4, I have a bit of an overbearing mother, would you be able to handle an extreme mother-in-law?
#4: Your mother is a bear?
SW: I'm afraid this is going nowhere. None of you seem like my prince charming. But if I have to pick- I'll take the guy who is never awake to bother me.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Stranger: asl ?
You: 32/m- what is l?
Stranger: u r a petafile freak geta life
You: What is a "petafile"?
Stranger: Ur old
You: Are you mad at me?
Stranger: get off here
You: Did I do something to offend you?
You: I'm sorry. Can we talk about it? You seem really nice- I really want to be your friend.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You: Howdy pardner!
You: Is that near Montana?
You: Sorry- I failed geology
Stranger: Are you really?
You: Really what?
You: No- I am not really a question mark. I'm a real live boy! For serious!
You: So anyway- I have a friend who visited Montana once.
Stranger: Montana? WTF?!?
You: They had a fun time. Very majestic. But one of them got sick on the train. I DON'T BLAME YOU THOUGH! ha ha!
Stranger: U trying to make me mad?
You: No- I'm trying to make friends.
Stranger: Fuck you, fuck face
You: I am a little unclear- do you mean my face looks like it is having sex, or are you commanding me to have sex with a face?
You: Because the use of a comma would lead me to believe you are using it as a noun, hence the face looking like having sex- which I don't entirely understand. My friends say I have a nice smile.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You: Wow- you get right down to business! I am a 32/male/USofA
You: What about you, stranger?
You: Wow- that is far away!
Stranger: How big? 8==D 8=====D
You: I don't know what that means.
You: Oh. I don't know. Does Lithuania use the metric system?
Stranger: R u fuck retard?
You: I don't think so.
Stranger: How big?
You: I heard it's not the size that counts, it's the font.
You: Well don't do that! That would hurt!
Stranger: Lol. You want to party with me?
You: In Lithuania?
You: That's a long drive.
Stranger: u r hot u cum party!
You: I think I am going to redbox it tonight instead. Sorry.
You: Yes, it is great- rent a dvd for only $1! Do you have Walgreens in Lithuania?
You: That isn't very nice. Unless you are english and you were offering a cigarette. In which case, no thank you- I don't smoke.
You: So was Lithuania taken over by the British Empire? World History class was a long time ago for me.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Jill: Good. How are things with you?
Jack: Things are good. Things are good. [Looking for an exit]
Jill: Oh gawd! Are you still pissed about that whole "crown" thing?
Jack: I mean- how can you let me break it like that?
Jill: First off- who came tumbling down after to get you?! Secondly- it was YOUR idea to put a well at the top of a frickin' hill! And third- I still don't even know what a "crown" IS!
Jack: All I know is that I was the one who had to mend my own head with vinegar and brown paper! You were nowhere to be found!
[A crowd starts to gather after hearing the fight.]
Humpty Dumpty: I'm with Jack! When I had my great fall and broke, I had all the king's horses and all the king's men help me out! Where's the love, Jill?
Old Woman: No way! I'm with Jill! When my deadbeat baby-daddy left me with all the kids, and I had to move into a shoe, I never got any help from him! All men are pigs! They don't need our help! Girl power!
Jack: Whatev. Who's the first person you call when you see itsy-bitsy spider and get scared?
Jill: Oh my god! That was Little Miss Muffet and it only happened like once!
Jack: Yes- but SHE was nice enough to give you some curds and whey for my help! YOU just sat on your tuffet while my crown was bleeding all over the place!
[The crowd starts to get restless, the men and women start segregating on different sides of the gym. Except the lamb, who was sure to go with Mary.]
Peter Piper: Perhaps partaking in a poll will produce the proper person who is particularly precise in this puzzling problem.
Old King Cole: Can somebody shut that guy up? I might be the merriest of souls- but I'm too old to wait that long- I've seen cows jump over the moon quicker.
Simon: My answer is simple- a pie man once told me this idea going to the fair- why don't you both say you're sorry and we can all get back to see if the dish ran away with the spoon yet.
Jill: Well, if Simon says... I'm sorry Jack. I should have helped you with your crown.
Jack: I'm sorry, Jill. I should have dug the well at the bottom of the hill. What was I thinking?
Little Bo Peep: I hate to interrupt, but have you seen my sheep?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Mr. Bainbridge: "Snow White and the Seven Dorks" is going great! With rapped lines like: "Brace yourself queenie this news is bad, Snow White is now a lot more rad," this show is certain to be our best. And from my count, the show clocks in at just under 7 minutes- which is perfect.
Mr. Belding: Yeah- but I heard there was some drama with Zack and Jessie?
Mr. Bainbridge: Yes, they thought they were in love, but they made out again just to make sure and it turns out they weren't.
Mr. Belding: Good- because we have a big basketball game against Valley and we need Zack. Last time I stepped on his foot and he needed knee surgery. Everybody thought he was going to die- but Lisa prayed to god and he miraculously lived through the procedure. Thank god we have Slater!
Coach Rizzo: Doesn't he wrestle?
Mr. Belding: He does both. Speaking of Slater, his pet iguana Artie died. Memorial services are tomorrow at 1. Slater left him with Screech while he went to San Diego. Honestly- I don't know why Slater couldn't take Artie along- he seemed pretty mobile in that shoebox and it's not like he hasn't traveled around the world with him already. Eh- oh well. Treasury report?
Mr. Tuttle: I'm glad to report the Buddy Bands are selling well thanks to three high school students getting a professionally choreographed and edited video produced overnight. Zack reported that he's so rich that he just bought Bill Cosby!
Mr. Belding: Good. I'm also happy to report that Teen Line is going well. In fact- Zack met a nice girl in a wheelchair and dated her for a day.
Otis the Janitor: This is all well and good- but what about the reports of an alien in the school?
Mr. Belding: Oh- we took care of that too! It was just a hoax by those lovable kids! Screech dressed as an alien and Jessie dressed as a mexican lady named Maria Tortilla and said "Buenos Nachos" to the FBI, and they totally bought it.
Otis: Boy- it's a good thing we had all those extra Screech masks laying around. Hey- what ever happened to those professionally made plastic hearts with all the students' names on them we had laying around?
Mr. Belding: We gave them to charity.
Miss Simpson: What did you say?Mr. Belding: I SAID WE'RE GIVING IT TO CHARITY!!!
Mr. Testeverde: Whataboutmeandmymidterm? NobodypasseditbecauseItalkreallyfast. Iwasmakingalotmoremoneysellingmicromachines!
Mr. Belding: Yes, well, we can look past that. By the way, my brother will be taking all the kids on a camping trip this weekend. He also wanted to be a judge for Miss Bayside, but the Bayside Auditorium is being used as the Bayside Movie Theater tonight (by simply turning the lights off) instead.
Mr. Dewey: I can't help out- I will be to busy pumping iron for American Gladiators. Besides- aren't they all at a Murder Mystery Party this weekend?
Miss Bliss: Oh yeah- that's right! Lisa won a radio contest and coincidentally got to bring 5 of her closest friends, even though everybody else just got to bring one person.
Mr. Belding: Anyway- for graduation this year, I have an idea. Instead of filing everybody for their diploma alphabetically, I was thinking that the last six people should be Lisa, Kelly, Jessie, Screech, Slater, and Zack. All in favor?
[P.A. Announcer]: Mr. Belding- the water polo team let the horse in the pool again.
Mr. Belding: Okay- I gotta go! Meeting adjourned.
Monday, June 15, 2009
I am a single, white, chess pawn who has the ultimate honor of being placed right in front of the queen herself. Although I am very happy with my situation, I need some advice.
At the beginning, the queen showed tremendous confidence in me- as she moved ME first- before any other piece on the board, to protect her! Not only that- but she also utilized my ability to jump 2 squares at once! She was definitely giving off signals with that move!
But ever since then, it has seemed as if she has ignored me. She has been moving others lately (and let's face it- I'm more attractive than that castle-looking guy!)- and I'm starting to think that she doesn't like me anymore.
But the final straw has come recently as I have noticed an enemy bishop diagonally in the distance giving me the evil-eye. I'm sure I'm in no danger, as bishops are nice fellows, for the most part. But I guess I've just been frustrated over the fact that the queen seems to care more about OTHER pieces than about ME these days.
Has she been using me? Is she taking me for granted? Please give me some advice as to what I can do to make her respect me again!
Thanks a mil,
Pawn with Problems, D-2
Dear Pawn with Problems:
I often get letters like this and am always greatly saddened by stories like yours. The truth of the matter is: she is using you. For you are a pawn, and are of little importance in her world. My advice to you is continue to hold strong, be brave, and remember that your sacrifice is for the greater good of the whole.
There is one other alternative piece of advice- but I am timid upon mentioning it because it might give false hope. But if you should find yourself free and able to make it to the back of the enemy's side, you will find the strength and ability to change yourself into a better piece. Then you will be able to earn the respect of the queen you love.
But don't get your hopes up. You're just a pawn, dude.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Captain's Log: July the 31st, 1804
A fair morning. Clark and I are very thirsty. We have now gone 2 days without water and wonder how much longer we can last. The sweltering Missouri heat is dehydrating most of us. O!- how we yearn to quench our thirst!
Captain's Log: August the 1st, 1804
9:05 a.m.: Great joy! We have come across some Souix indians! As a gift to Clark (his 35th birthday today), they have given us the thoughtful gift of Capri Sun! They left before we could thank them, but we will waste no time opening them up and satisfying our tremendous thirst!
9:30 a.m.: Okay- what's up with this hole?! Clark and I have been working diligently to penetrate this complex container to no avail- but we have no doubt that we will be thirsty no more after a bit more effort! I mean- we've explored most of the Louisiana Purchase, I'm sure we can figure out a way to punch a hole with a straw. Lol!
10:00: My mouth is crying out for just the slightest drop of hydrating Strawberry-Kiwi punch! It seems as if this silver pouch is faulty!! Efforts continue!!
11:00: GOD!! I would do ANYTHING for this succulent 6.75 ounces of liquid refreshment!!! Why won't this damn thing poke through?!?!?!
11:16: How DARE those damn Souix torture me by providing me with this life-saving resource just ever so slightly out of reach! Still trying... I HATE THOSE GUYS!!! I hope nobody EVER takes back what they promised to those Souix ever again!
11:31: Sacagawea is trying to lend a hand- and even SHE can't get this damn straw through! She suggests we cheat and poke a hole through the bottom. I disagree- we've come THIS far- we are not going to cheat the insufferable gods who made this quenching snack! I also had to remind her that setting down the Capri Sun container is impossible under this scenario.
12:03: Hope- dim. Men- all dead. Clark- worst. birthday. ever. It is times like these that I must remind myself that some aluminum pouches are just too special to be punctured. That sometimes the journey of getting the taste of victory is better than the victory itelf.
12:04: This is not one of those times. GOD PLEASE HELP ME OPEN THIS EFFING PIECE OF ALUMINUM CRAP!!!
12:18: FINALLY! O- the joy! After all the hard work- I was able to puncture the straw hole. Unfortunately- the straw also punctured straight through to the other side, thus forcing me to suck every drip out with my mouth and ruining the pleasure of using the pointless straw. Spilled most of it- but the 3.5 ounces of Strawberry-Kiwi punch that I DID get was pure bliss.
Epilogue: What have we learned from this pioneering adventure? We've learned that nothing worth having comes easy. And that this whole expedition is a complete failure.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Beer: Don't listen to scotch! Remember Benikafest? Remember swearing you would never drink him ever again the next morning? Just go to the bar and have fun! You know exactly how many of me you can have without getting too fucked up! You're safe with me!
Collared Shirt: Dude- you should totes put me on! I make you look dressier- girls LOVE that! I swear you won't look like a knob! I'm in style- EVERYBODY wears me!
T-shirt: What are you talking about? He's fine with ME and a long-sleeved shirt on underneath! We fit him well and show off his muscles!
Dumbells: Ummm, what? We haven't seen him in months!
Seashell Necklass: Why don't you ever put me on? You bought me in Cabo and said you were going to wear me all the time when you got back!
Body Spray: I noticed you sprayed me "down there"... what- do you think you're getting lucky tonight?
Boxers: No- I think he is! He's wearing me, and I'm the only pair he's got without holes in them!
Condom: Listen guys, there's no way. I've been saying that since '05 and have yet to see the light of day. In fact, somebody check me- I might be expired.
TV: Screw the bar, Tim! Stay in! Watch me! I think Justin Timberlake is hosting SNL tonight! Besides- all you do is stand around and people-watch when you're out! The bars are totally ridonkulous, hang out here.
Lamp: I agree with tv, but if you go- can you take me? How come everybody ELSE gets to go but me?
Sweatpants: Yeah- how come I don't get to go out with you? You know I make you more comfortable! Sure- use me when you're painting the bathroom or have the flu... but when it comes to showing me off in front of other people- you disappear!
Lilac Facial Moisturizer: Ah- they're just jealous! I go out with you every time and there's no need to tell people about me! I'm your little secret!
Trucker Hat: Did I just hear somebody say "ridonkulous?"
Baseball Cap: Shut up! Nobody likes you anymore!
Beer: Uh oh- what are you DOING?! Don't take a drink of that!
Scotch: Oh yeah- NOW you're fucked up and you don't have to spend as much money at the bar anymore. You know what would be so much fun? The bar isn't that far away- let's WALK there! It's not that cold out- leave your jacket here!
Jacket: Scotch, you are such a JERK! You know how he gets- he listens to anything you say! And now he's leaving! Just great!
Pants: Thanks for making him forget me too, scotch!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Computer: Oh, I don't know...
Me: What do you mean you don't know? It's time to get started- I have a very busy day today.
Computer: I meant I DON'T KNOW! I'm not feeling very good this morning- and now YOU roll in at 8:23 and decide it's suddenly time to start! Sorry- but it's just one of those days! Let me just think for a while.
Me: Well, I'm the boss here, so you will do as I command. But how's this- how about I go refill my water bottle? When I come back, you and I will talk.
(2 minutes later)
Me: Okay- are you better now? I'm going to open up a Word document now.
Computer: You can try, but I should warn you that I'm probably going to turn your cursor into an hour glass.
Computer: Oh, I don't know- maybe because you already have your fantasy football website open, you're listening to internet radio, and you're downloading that dancing banana forward email from Bestul all at the same time right now?! I'm just a machine!
Me: Yeah, but I just got you a couple of months ago! I thought you could handle it! Why are you giving me problems already?
Computer: HEY! You KNOW you should've defragmented me last month AND you haven't run a full scan virus search on me in like two weeks! What do you WANT?!
Me: You know I've been meaning to get to that, but I've been really busy! It's seriously on my "To Do List"! See? Look! Plus it was the holidays! I promise I'll close down my fantasy football team! Whaddya say?
Computer: Okay okay. I guess you've got a good point. And that Word document DOES sound like a nice relief. All right- go ahead and open it up.
Me: Thanks! I proimse tha-
Computer: It's "promise". You spelled it wrong.
Me: Oh- thanks. I PROMISE that I will lay-off the streaming videos more often. Let's get to work, ol' buddy!
(Hour glass. Hour glass. Hour glass.)
Computer: Oh- I forgot to mention: the network is down and so Microsoft Word will not be responding. You will have to End Now and shut me down.
Me: I seriously hate you. Seriously.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Hi, it's me- Timmy. No- I'm not writing you to beg for Christmas presents (as you make all the little boys and girls do). Nope. I'm writing because I'm on to you, old man! Yes- that's right! And it's time that the world knows about your little "operation up north".
Where shall I begin? Let's start with the pure economics of your operation. How can you afford to just give toys away? How do you pay for your raw materials? How can you pay your labor force? "Magical elves that work for the joy of making little children happy?" Seriously, Santa? Seriously?! These elves have families to support and yet you continuously refuse to pay them in anything other than cookies and magical pixie dust! Elf labor? Try SLAVE labor!
And where's your accountability for your products? Your satisfaction garauntee? Your return policy? Are we to believe that in this topsy-turvy world of heightened technology that you have yet to provide an internet website that lists contact information, office locations, product information, etc.? How do you expect any responsible parent to trust one of Santa's wares?
Which brings me to your abusive nature towards animals. I'm sure the peeps at PETA might want to know about your insistence on using just 8 reindeer to fly your fat butt around in a sleigh across the entire world in one night! Just 8! (Or 9, if you count rudolph, who continues to get ridiculed for being "different" by the others at no apparent concern of your own.) You are wearing those reindeer out!
And please stop with the threats! We get it. Your scare tactics have been working for years to convert kids from being naughty to nice, but threatening that you "see them when they're sleeping" and "know when they're awake" is truly out of line! I guess in the '50s it fit right in with Communism paranoia where a guy draped in red is making a list of who's naughty and who's nice was normal... but it's politically incorrect now.
Besides- who appointed you "Santa"? How do we know you are completely impartial on your criteria for determining naughty and nice? How come you don't allow kids to receive the right of legal representation to defend their naughtiness?
Children look up to you, Santa. Now what am I supposed to say to my 16-year-old when he becomes incredibly obese and starts smoking a pipe and says "but Santa's doing it"? You really have to consider the children, Santa. Know your audience! And while we're on the subject of losing touch, why having you updated your correspondence technology yet? No fax number? No email? No texting? You expect kids in this day and age to still write you a letter and pay for the postage as the only way to reach you at the North Pole (allegedly)?!
For the sake of time, I'll let slide my breaking-and-entering argument, but I can't just ignore your insistence on taking out the small businesses! How are the Ma & Pa corner stores in our local neighborhoods supposed to survive when you is literally GIVING his stuff away with free home shipping? How can they compete with your Big Business?
Listen, Kris- I'm not out to get you. I just want your Tax I.D. number so I can send it to a guy I know who knows a guy who can run through your information and make sure it's up to the Better Business Bureau standards...
..and a silver Magnivox DVD Converter with component cable inputs in back (batteries included) for Christmas.
P.S. Friendly advice: I know there are people out there that don't even believe in you. You may want to work on your public relations and reveal yourself instead of shrouding in mystery and secrecy.
P.P.S. And if you AREN'T real, then what is the whole purpose of Christmas to begin with?!
Friday, November 14, 2008
And so, that's pretty much like me.
Anyway, here is my List. Please read through them, as they are good goals for YOU to accomplish before you hit 30 too. No need to thank me- I don't do it for the glory or fame. I just do it so people forever remember me as a great man. Enjoy the list- as I haven't accomplished ALL of them yet... and I don't have much time left!_____________________________________________________________
-Make a list of things to do before you're 30.
-Run in a marathon. Or start telling people you ran in a marathon.
-Stop reminding the hopeless that they don't have any money
-Get a knobber off a prostitute in a foreign country
-Stop referring to fellatio as "getting a knobber"
-Witness the election a black President of the United States even though you voted for the other guy. In another 30 years when people ask if you voted for this historical figure, say yes.
-Write novel about my original concept that traces Jesus Christ's coded geneology to a DaVinci painting
-Get krunk alone.
-Start smoking to impress 16 year old girls
-Stop picking fights with frat boys just to bloody their collars
-Stop trying to give subliminal messages to alL thE pretTieSt, Drunkest, hOrniest gIrls aT the bars
-Find those guys who were behind that bigfoot cocktease and kick them in the nuts
-Do something about my reputation so people won't only remember me as "the guy who has sex with models" for the rest of my life.
-Discontinue using the name "Nitro" for your penis in bed. It doesn't make any sense to the models.
-Stop poking friends on TheFacebook. You're effing 30 years old, dude!
-Either pose nude for my gay artist friend or stop TALKING about posing nude for my gay artist friend. But as far as posing nude goes, it's definitely decision time.
-Start limiting your daydreams of getting animation rights to your life story to only twice a day.
-Stop sending out those Erectile Disfunction spam emails to everyone
-Finish what I sta
Monday, November 10, 2008
Hi. How are you? I am fine. Listen, we need to talk.
These past 2 weeks with you have been really great, but I feel as if we are growing apart. So yeah- I'm thinking I'm going to break up with you. I was going to do it via text message, but I am a man of integrity and class- and I knew that I needed to treat you with the respect and privacy that a MySpace Blog provides.
It's not you, it's me. It's just that you have your life in California as a "working girl", as you like to call it, and your "daddy" keeps asking me for the money I owe him. It's getting to be quite a drag. I know that we only saw each other once- but I fell in love with you, and you weren't reciprocating my multiple texts, emails, and care packages. All I wanted was a simple "I love you too" and a small commitment to marriage.
Yes, I know that I told you yesterday that you are the Angelina to my Brangelina, the Katie to my TomKat. But, I'm sorry- DesTimmy has to go back to just being Destiny and Tim. This is the only way we can grow as individuals and heal through this arduous process.
I know how hard this must be for you- but did you ever consider how hard it was for ME? I spent a whole HALF HOUR thinking of what I should write to you after meeting someone else! I even considered leaving a message on your phone if it didn't cost me 15 cents per minute! Do you think this is EASY for me?! Do you think I WANTED this to happen? Or want to see you cry?
The answer is no- and that is why I will be blocking your access to my page. The last thing I want is for you to make some plea to get me back or make some nasty comment about me on my page for all my friends to see- like how I cry like a girl after intercourse, or how I confided in you about liking to dress in high heels and wear lipstick when I'm alone.
So I guess this is it. Seriously, Destiny- you are a great girl. And even though we won't be going out anymore, I'm still planning on keeping our friendship. I hope that we can still be friends- and anytime you still feel a bit frisky, give me a call and I'll answer! But otherwise, please don't call if it has to do with anything else- I don't want this to get confusing.
So- good luck to you in the future! Keep in touch!
Most sincerely yours [no longer] (LOL!- just a joke. Too soon?),
P.S. I just got my V.D. exam results back... you might want to schedule an appointment. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Did you not think that I would remember that fateful day during study hall at Jane Addams Jr. High? Did you not think I'd remember what you declared ever so proudly, Bobby Demeter, Jimmy Zito, and Danny Parisi? I believe your exact words were: "Tim, I bet you will never be able to get a girl to have sex with you. Ever." Now Bobby, Jimmy, and Danny- I'm sure back on March 21, 1992, "never" seemed like a short time for a guy like me to score with a girl. Well I say "HA!" to you- as it only took me 16 years to achieve it.
Who's the loser now? I think we all know the answer to THAT question!
Now- I believe there is the matter of payment to discuss. And there is no good in hiding- as I am contacting the yearbook committee as we speak to verify your locations.
First- Bobby. Bobby- I believe you bet your entire 1990 Topps baseball card collection AND your entire Series 2 Garbage Pail Kids card collection (including the rare 170a card- Richie Retch). In mint condition. You will be allowed ten (10) business days to ship these products to my mailing address. If these demands are not met- I will be forced to go to the authorities. And I'm sure they'll be none too pleased at you when they see that I have written proof of this wager written on the back of my Social Studies notebook that I kept just for this occasion.
Now Danny Parisi. YOUR bet, if I remember correctly, was your British Knights hi-tops that you won on Nickelodean's "Double Dare". Now listen, Danny- I'm a reasonable man. And I obviously realize that you may no longer be in possession of these sweet sneakers. So I'm giving you an "out". British Knights were manufactured by Jack Schwartz Shoes, Inc., 155 Sixth St., New York, New York 10013, U.S.A., Telephone: (212) 691-4700, Fax: (212) 691-5350. They are still in business today, and I'm sure you can work something out. For you see- YOU will no longer get to score with babes in those rad digs. It's MY turn now! And you will just have to sit at home and cry about it for the rest of your life, sucker!
And finally, we have little Jimmy Zito the human torpedo. Oh, my poor little friend- you bet me the sum of One Gazillion Dollars. You may not have all this money at once in these slow economic times- so I offer you a 6 month financing plan interest free. I know you are having trouble paying the bills with the newborn triplets and all- but a deal is a deal.
And maybe NEXT time you or anybody else thinks "Tim Hinkens will never get a girl to have sex with him," THINK AGAIN! Because in another 16 years, I'll be coming around knocking on YOUR door! And you will have to ask yourself one simple question: "Who's the loser NOW?!"
Monday, October 27, 2008
Her name was Destiny, and she contacted me through MySpace. She requested me to be her friend and left the following message: "Hey hun, i just cheked out ur myspace profile and I think ur really cute. My aim account is email@example.com if u ever wanna chat! xoxo" I checked her profile out and she seemed like a lovely girl. She didn't have too many friends- just Tom and a couple of other guys- most of whom took their profile pictures with their shirts off in front of a mirror.
I was extremely excited to get to know Destiny! Take a look at her profile pic:
Isn't she just so gorgeous? I assume this was taken by some friends while she was on vacation somewhere. It almost looks professionally done!
Anyway- so I chatted online with her at first. A man replied (yeah- weird) and told me that he was in charge of the "business" end of Destiny. I have to admit that I was a little disturbed that I didn't get to meet Destiny one-on-one at first, but once he told me that he was her "daddy", I totally understood.
After talking to her "daddy" (and giving him my credit card number for some reason- I guess he was checking to see if I was good enough to date his daughter), I was finally able to chat with Destiny. We hit it off IMMEDIATELY! She said she worked for a modeling service in California. She described herself as over-18, just a girl-next-door, and loves watching football with the guys and pleasing her man. She sounded so perfect!
I couldn't wait to meet her- so we set something up for this weekend. Now I know it's sudden- but I paid for her airfare to come out and see me. When I met her, I was a little surprised that she didn't look like her profile: she was blonde, much shorter, and had a bunch of scars and bruises on her arms and legs. Nevertheless- I fell in love with our conversations online, and I indeed did not care much about her deceptive appearance.
After driving to the gas station so she could pick up some smokes, we went straight back to my place. The chemistry between us was burning, and we couldn't even wait until after dinner before we started getting physical. It was at that point when I looked her in the eyes and told her that I loved her. I then asked if she loved me too. She replied- "For how long?"
She loves me too! I think we have a keeper!
And I'm proud to say- that after 29 years of waiting... Destiny took my virginity that night. It was worth it. Wow guys- I couldn't believe how incredible it was! She seemed to have a lot of experience, and even told me that she got to where she is today by "doing a lot of things the other girls wouldn't." Then she winked.
She left the next morning- not even wanting me to drive her to the airport. She took a taxi instead. When I asked if I could see her again, she said "definitely!", and that I should set something up with her daddy again. You gotta love a girl who values family!
I am in heaven right now! I finally met somebody! I guess dreams DO come true for nice guys like me!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Come on- THINK about it! There are like THOUSANDS of children out there right now! Don't you want YOUR child to be unique? Or do you just want him or her to just be another statistic? Another wallflower? Another John Doe? And new names are being gobbled up every DAY! Cool names like Apple, Jermastesty, Prince Michael II, and Jesus have all been nicked! So hurry up!
That's where your pal Tim comes in. Am I risking you stealing one of MY future kids' [or potential bastards'] names? Yes. But think of this as MY baby shower gift to you. No need to thank me- but just so we're clear: you're NOT getting a baby shower gift from me now.
You're welcome! And congratulations!!
Qwerty- Let's face it- we are living in a world streaming with technology. Passwords and usernames are used for everything nowadays. Only needing to use the upper left 6 letters of the keyboard will give your child a built-in speed towards typing his name into those pesky username tabs. Sure Asdf and Zxcv would work too, but let's face it- Qwerty is a much more reaslistic first name (and fun, too!). And yes- it will have to be case-sensitive.
Vince Vaughn - Actually- he is just a really cool actor. I saw him on Letterman once and he's just somebody you would just want to hang out with. On the one hand- one may think that there's a better way to express your tribute to the star of "Fred Claus". On the other hand- what if this gets you a meet-and-greet? All I'm saying is weigh your options.
Holden - This may be too obscure for people to understand that you are naming your boy after the protagonist of one of the most controversial novels and icon for teenage rebellion and defiance... but honestly- it's not like the author is going to come out of hiding to "catch" you.
Claybee- Actually, I think this one was just taken by that American Idol runner-up.
Tim Jr.- Come on, ladies, it's time you came to terms with your current men and revealed who the true baby-daddy is.
Nitro- Not only was this the coolest American Gladiator name ever, it also implies a certain amount of quickness and charged zest to his nature. In fact, scratch this name- I'm using it as the new name for my penis.
Tequiefah- Scratch this. Most of my preggo friends live in Wisconsin, and I'm afraid this name might be a little too urban for present Wisconsin society (Wisciety?) to accept.
Rosa Sparxxx- Not only is this my favorite pornstar name, but also is a great commentary on how far our society has come. Often I wonder while watching her films, "Would this form of 'sitting' be allowed on a bus in the 1950's?"
BFF [pronounced "Biff"]- Seriously- how totes awesome would it be if your new daughter was named BFF? It's texting friendly and is great for her self-confidence when she's 13 and is determined to be popular. The downside is that her name could be out-of-date by the time she is 13.
...AND IF IT'S TWINS:
I don't think there is any doubt that you shall be naming them Luke & Leia Skywalker.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
So, when trying to decide what respectable source I could get to write the Illinois Department of Regulation a letter of recommendation for me, I whittled it down to either my boss from 5 years ago... or Christopher Columbus. I chose the latter and haven't looked back since.
It took me 2 years to get the paperwork through for Illinois licensure- but I did it! (Thanks for your congratulations!) And it's all thanks to his letter of recommendation (which Illinois obviously holds in high regards and importance):
To Whom It May Concern:
When I was discovering America sometime in the late 1400's, I often felt the need to construct traveled pathways. It wasn't until I met Timothy Hinkens, P.E. that my dreams would become a reality. I consider Mr. Hinkens just as important to the history of America as I. We are equals- except instead of a compass, he uses Computer Aided Drawing software, Version 2009.
I distinctly remember one evening in our travels as our men were happily raping and pillaging an indian village, I turned to Mr. Hinkens and saw the determination in his eyes. Just as I wanted to pave a way for white europians by staking claim to an entire continent by the use of flags, Mr. Hinkens saw the opportunity to pave a way for people by the mixing of bituminous asphalt material and aggregate.
I don't want to hype Mr. Hinkens up or anything- but he is quite possibly the greatest engineer the world has seen this side of the West Indies! Unfortunately, my fatal heart-attack in 1506 prevented me from dealing much with him in a professional realm, but there's not a day that goes by that I don't regret it. Fact!
Yes- I am aware that Timothy has had a tainted past. That Christmas in Haiti where he had a little too much egg nog and totally wrecked the Santa Maria- not a bright point. But I believe it was me who once said, "By prevailing over all obstacles and distractions, one may unfailingly arrive at his chosen goal or destination."
So please accept this recommendation of Professional Engineering Licensure for Timothy Hinkens, P.E., and you will see that the only thing more well-rounded than Timothy, is the earth itself.
Sailor of the Ocean Blue
Monday, September 15, 2008
When men will drive shirtless for no good reason.
Where do they come from, and where else do they go,
That lets them in without shirts, I just don't know.
Must they put their shirt back on when they get out of their truck?
Or do they remain shirtless cause they don't give a fuck?
No a/c in their el camino, not even a vent.
To cigarettes and mullets their money was better spent.
It sounds pointless to be shirtless for just a quick ride,
When "No Shirts, No Shoes, No Service" they will soon have to abide.
Perhaps they are just going from their home to a drive-thru,
But it still makes me wonder why a t-shirt won't do.
So CHEERS to the fact that the end of the season is near,
When we no longer have to pull up next to a car in fear.
I will cherish the way those warm summer days made me feel,
But nothing spoils them more than shirtless men behind the wheel.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
That is when I decided to be rational here, and try and tell myself that the governor of Alaska is indeed a better choice to lead our nation than the psychiatrist on the Sopranos. It was harder than I thought:
vs. Lorraine Bracco
Would I rather have Sarah Palin or Lorraine Bracco as my country's vice president?
This is easy- Sarah Palin has way more political experience than Lorraine Bracco. I would choose Sarah Palin. No question.
But what if Lorraine Bracco offered 32 hour work weeks for the American Public as part of her campaign?
Well- this would make it tougher, but I would still have to go with the experience of the governor of Alaska.
What if Lorraine Bracco also promised to use her Goodfellas ties and make Ray Liotta, Robert De Niro, and Joe Pesci members of the Cabinet?
Now this might make me sway my vote. Mostly because that would be kind of awesome. Now that I think about it- I may even vote for Bracco as a write-in. I would now vote for Bracco. To explain this mathematically: Liotta + De Niro + Pesci = Gets + Shit + Done.
What if Sarah Palin countered by personally giving me 30 minutes alone with singer/songwriter/poet fellow Alaskan Jewel (I assume Alaska is a state where everybody knows everybody else)?
Hmmm. You see- I love the beautiful Jewel. But I have to weigh a couple of things: is 30 minutes alone enough time to get Jewel to love me back? Or at least "more-than-like" me? And would I be able to put up with her poetry for that long? Answer- yes, yes I would. Unfortunately, since I am the type of person who can't seem to keep my confrontational thoughts to myself- the conversation would undoubtedly turn to her teeth. And my obsession towards getting to the bottom of her lack of desire for orthodontic help would ultimately leave me without Jewel's digits at the end of the 30 minutes. (I mean- it's not like she doesn't have the money to seek help! What gives, yo?) Advantage still Bracco.
What if Sarah Palin gave me $100 to vote for her?
Although it may seem silly for me to take a mere sum of money to change my political morals, I did just spend a lot of money during Labor Day weekend and could use the cash. Palin wins.
What are my conclusions?
My vote is for Sarah Palin. Even though Lorraine Bracco has undoubtedly more to offer me as an american citizen and has also done more nude scenes than her counterpart- I'm just an old fashioned type of guy who is going to choose the candidate with more experience and $100 in his pocket.
Thank you. And God Bless America.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
(I personally wanted Emoticons to win...)
That is why I propose that the most memorable tv moment for anybody too young to know why Charles wasn't in Charge yet and Loved Joanie, but old enough to shed tears when Zack and Kelly slow danced outside the prom to Jessie and Slater's emotional [and totes real] rendition of "How Was I Supposed to Live Without You", then you would agree:
We may not know the names of all the state capitals in our beloved union, but we ALL sure remember the bucket of paint spilling in this- the best tv show theme ever...
Oh- and you're welcome for me getting that song back in your head for the rest of the day.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The other day I was forced to listen to country music- and I say "forced" because I'd rather sit next to a crying baby on a plane for 3 hours than any Billy Bob McGraw country music star sitting next to me with a guitar and a message. That's when Kenny Rogers' "Coward of the County" came on the radio. Now if Kenny Rogers was playing in my backyard, I'd shut the blinds- but like I said- I was forced.And that's when I realized that Kenny Rogers is a sick, twisted man. Am I the only one who is just realizing this after listening to one of his songs? Did everybody else know and not tell me? Here's the song, followed by the lyrics (in red).
Everyone considered him the coward of the county.
He never stood one single time to prove the county wrong.
His mama named him Tommy, the folks just called him yellow,
But something always told me they were reading Tommy wrong.
Okay- so it starts out fine. It's about a boy who apparantly is some big coward. SO big, in fact, that they don't even call him by his given name. But WHY is he a coward?... oooh- can't wait to find out!
He was only ten years old when his daddy died in prison.
I looked after Tommy cause he was my brother's son.
I still recall the final words my brother said to Tommy:
"Son, my life is over, but yours is just begun."
His dad died in prison? That's pretty standard- no explanation necessary, I guess. Oh- and now we get to find out who the narrator is: Tommy's father's brother who may or may not be alive or with Tommy aka Yellow. Not confusing at ALL! Thanks for the info!
"Promise me, son, not to do the things I've done.
Walk away from trouble if you can.
It won't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek.
I hope you're old enough to understand:
Son, you don't have to fight to be a man."
Ahhh- there's nothing like getting advice from your daddy who's on Death Row.
There's someone for everyone, and Tommy's love was Becky.
In her arms he didn't have to prove he was a man.
Awww- how sweet! True love. Very uplifting. Now does she call him Yellow too? Or just the rest of the county?
One day while he was workin, the Gatlin boys came callin.
They took turns at Becky.... there was three of them.
Wait- what?!?! So Becky was gang-raped by the Gatlin boys. And if you listen to the song- Kenny kind of says the last part "there was three of them" with a little wink and a smile. It wasn't enough for Kenny to use 1 guy- not even twins or something... Kenny wanted to make his point and have THREE brothers fuck the shit out of her. And not all at once- no. They took TURNS raping Becky. This has "wedding song" written all over it- I hope the wedding band knows THIS little ditty for mine!
Tommy opened up the door and saw his Becky cryin.
The torn dress, the shattered look was more than he could stand.
He reached above the fireplace and took down his daddy's picture.
As his tears fell on his daddys face, he heard these words again:
"Promise me, son, not to do the things I've done.
Walk away from trouble, if you can.
It won't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek.
I hope you're old enough to understand:
Son, you dont have to fight to be a man."
Yeah- if somebody calls you a name or something- turn the other cheek... but I don't think in his wildest dreams that his dad was talking about if 3 brothers are raping your Becky like a dog one at a time.
The Gatlin boys just laughed at him when he walked into the barroom.
One of them got up and met him halfway cross the floor.
When Tommy turned around they said, "Hey look! ol yellow's leavin."
But you coulda heard a pin drop when Tommy stopped and blocked the door.
Did the Gatlin boys rape Becky because they knew Tommy was yellow? How did they know to call him yellow? I thought they just came callin' into town! Apparantly their mission wasn't only to come callin' into town and gang rape Becky- but to also have a beer at the local tavern afterwards to brag about it to the whole county. And what bar owner just lets you lock up the bar door? What if you're waiting outside and want a drink- "Damn, Maude- it's 2:30 in the afternoon and they's closin' up early today. Looks like Yellow is gonna kick 'dem Gatlin boys' ass!"
Twenty years of crawlin was bottled up inside him.
He wasnt holdin nothin back; he let em have it all.
When Tommy left the barroom not a Gatlin boy was standin.
He said, this one's for Becky, as he watched the last one fall.
So I'm assuming... he raped THEM now for revenge? Just to show them that he's not yellow?
And I heard him say,
"I promised you, dad, not to do the things you done.
I walk away from trouble when I can.
Now please don't think I'm weak, I didnt turn the other cheek,
And papa, I sure hope you understand:
Sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man."
Monday, June 2, 2008
Okay (sigh)- how do I describe myself? [Picture attached below] Well- I'm a m/w/m searching for a s/w/f who enjoys a good book, can debate continental congressional hearings with me, and can soothe me when I get down about living in George Washington's shadow.
I would say I'm average looking. A bit on the short and husky side. I should warn you that I am a bit "lacking" in hair (lol!), and am considering just shaving the entire thing. My friends tell me that I have a great personality.
I do admit that I like to eat, but Abigail (okay- LAST time I mention my current wife- hee hee) forces me to eat healthy. I'm open to go anywhere on our first date- (except no Applebees or indian food). I must admit that it's hard to find the time to date when I'm busy championing resolutions for a Declaration my buddy Tom (I mentioned him before) and I are writing.
What do I do for fun? I've been getting hooked on Wii and Guitar Hero. I play my slaves all the time! Wii is amazing, and it really does help you exercise while having fun at the same time!! A guilty pleasure of mine is the Boxing game where I pretend to duel it out with Alexander Hamilton.
I should also mention that I am Harvard educated and am a devout Puritan. Smoke? Yes- I even own my own tobacco farm. Drink? Occasionally. I am flexible on the whole children thing- as I have 3 of my own. John Quincy says he wants to be President too just like daddy someday. (lmao!)
I guess what I'm looking for in a woman is an old-fashioned type gal. I admit that I'm kind of an ass-man instead of a boob-man (no bedonk-adonks, please). I'm looking for somebody who likes to take walks, who's kind, can get along with my friends, cuddle and watch a dvd with, cry together when Ross and Rachel break up, and just be there for me, you know?
So let's just lay our cards out- I'm an easy going, successful pioneer. If you're looking for tall, dark, and handsome war hero- look elsewhere. But if you're interested in a sensitive guy who has a lot to offer, please shoot me an email or a text sometime and we can hang out.
2nd President of Your United States of America,
I tot'ly know what you mean about how Lauren Conrad is such a bitch. And what IS up with that girl at work?! Does Molly not realize that she is such a gossip, and btw- I think she is texting Brad again.
It's quite a shame that you had to pick up your drunk boyfriend at the "STUPID POKER PARTY" at "TODD'S". Especially since you "HAD TO WAKE UP EARLY AT 9 THIS MORNING" to "GET YOUR MANNY and PEDDY."
Gee- thanks for sharing all that info at a volume level loud enough to drown out my headphones and all its great grammar. I feel for you- especially when you caught that guy staring at you two treadmills over- I mean, it's not like you're looking for attention when you're at the gym working out hard-core.
And I'm with ya- I really have NO idea why you work out every day on the treadmill and don't see any changes. I mean- walking on Level "Turtle" and talking on the phone while never out of breath or breaking a sweat to ruin your make-up should bring you down at LEAST 2 dress sizes!
Keep up the hard work!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I like how I put the calendar in the corner- this was my artist way of drawing winter. I am glad I don't own a "Talker Deluxe" scale.
The bottom strip was 15-20 years ahead of its time in it's satire of Facebook.
Why would they make an elephant cross the tightrope? These are questions I'd like to ask 11-year old Tim.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Guy: Will this certain "something" be joining us in the bedroom tonight?
Girl: Yes- I guess it could.
Guy: So do we BOTH know her- er, "it"?
Girl: Yes- we've seen it before.
Guy: Are we BOTH going to have fun with it, or are you just going to watch.
Girl: Whatever you want, baby- it's your gift.
Guy: Ooooh! Have you ever played with it before?
Girl: Lots of times- at parties.
Guy: You SLUT! But you still like me better, right?
Girl: What kind of question is that? Of course!
Guy: You KNOW it! Is it sexy?
Girl: It's my Valentine's Day gift to you- so of course it's sexy!
Guy: This is going to be awesome! Is it going to come over later?
Girl: It's already hidden in the house already.
Guy: Really? Is it wearing anything?
Girl: Just a bow and ribbon.
Guy: I hope I can turn it on- will it think I'm too fat?
Girl: It's easy to turn on- and besides, it will give you a good workout.
Guy: Oooh! Nothing too dangerous I hope!
Girl: Nah- it comes with stuff to strap-on.
Guy: Oh um- I'm good actually.
Girl: Suit yourself.
Guy: So- can I tell my friends about it?
Girl: Sure- but I don't want them over all the time thinking it's theirs!
Guy: No problem! Okay- where is it? I'd like to meet her right away!
Girl: Uh- I don't think you're on the right track.
Guy: Of course I am! It's a threesome!
Girl: It's a Wii, you jerk! We're through!!!